As I drove in the dark of night home from the airport, I had two and a half hours to listen, think, process, drink coffee, and do it all some more. At one point, around Red Wing, MN, I began to have a conversation with my unseen Universal support. I don’t know what they look like, but I imagine them to be ancestors, loved ones, angels, and guides from across the galaxies. I’m quite certain I’m never fully alone, but I sure felt like it on this particular night.
I wondered aloud through tears, why it wasn’t ok to feel the
way I was feeling about a heavy situation in my life. Why did I feel like such
a loser for having these emotions? Why am I so weak? Am I destined to feel like this
forever? And then I heard the Mystic’s words from the beach: “You’re probably
not going to die”. Something clicked inside of me and said, “No! Not this
time...”
Somewhere between the ages of 19 and 22, I told at least one of my close friends that I just knew I was going to die at 23. It seemed just a flippant thought, fraught with the drama and mystery my young adult self would have reveled in, as I had no concrete reason, and of course, I thought that meant physical death. My friend sent me a card on my 24th birthday that said something like, “if you’re reading this, you made it!”. But only some of me did, and my soul showed me through my thoughts that I was going to choose to let a part of myself die rather than feel the pain coming on the horizon. It was simply going to be too much for my sensitive being to handle.
You see, I experienced a tremendous trauma at the age of 22 at the hands of people I loved, including myself. Instead of allowing myself to feel those really terrible emotions, I swallowed them. I buried them deep. Shortly after, I lost my tonsils. I did not have a spiritual frame of reference at that time like I do now, and surprisingly, it did not occur to me to look up "the spiritual meaning of tonsilitis" until recently. This resource is so spot-on for describing the situation of the trauma I experienced, it is just spooky. If this piques your curiosity, you may also want to check out Messages from the Body by Michael L. Lincoln, Ph.D., for the emotional cause of all diseases/maladies. I usually just Google "spiritual meaning of _____" when I see/experience something that my spidey senses indicate I should dig into and go with the first result, or the one that draws my attention.
I lost more than my tonsils, I lost my 22-year-old self.
That piece of me died. I abandoned her, destined to be stuck reliving that
trauma over and over through the life experiences the rest of me was having
while I carried on as though that thing didn’t bother me. And indeed, it
did not, as I had left a piece of myself – the part that died – to continuously
deal with it, in the most dysfunctional of ways from within my subconscious.
Consciously, I had a fulfilling life, of which, that trauma was not a thing.
Until it was.
A dream brought all those emotions I chose to
swallow 20 years ago back into my consciousness now. The terrible, awful,
frightening emotions arrived in my body as I woke that morning. I didn’t know
what I was going to do. How could I carry on with my day, my life?! I wanted to
die…again. But thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two in the last 20 years. I
learned about the person I am, how I am connected to everything that is, how powerful I am, and that I
made choices in this life and previous lifetimes that affect me now. I
think something of myself now, and realized I am worthy of the healing
necessary to transcend and transmute that trauma and its subsequent stew of
awful emotions.
I set out straight away, reading Letting Go by Dr. David R. Hawkins, Feelings Buried Alive…Never Die by Karol K.Truman. I read the words, I did the suggested exercises, I sought out all types of alternative healing modalities from Reiki to Theta healing, to Sacred Childbirth. Everything was on the table – I was worth way more than carrying that pain would ever be. My counselor, who is trained in shamanic healing as well, helped me retrieve my 22-year-old-self. We also retrieved my 2-year-old self, relieving my need for enmeshment in my relationships - relationships of all kinds. I literally felt those parts of myself stretch out in my body as I welcomed them back. It was visceral, soulful, and exactly what needed to happen now.
It took longer than I would have liked, as I felt my whole
world was crashing down as the healing set in, but I did allow myself to heal from that trauma, as
well as the trauma from other lifetimes that came through understanding this experience. Those stories are too wild and lengthy to tell here, but I hope to someday.
Today, as I walk through my Dark Night of the Soul Journey,
I choose myself. I choose myself every moment of every day, awake with an
awareness that cannot be taken away. Today I forgive myself and everyone I ever allowed to make me feel like a victim. I never was anyway, and now know I never
will be.
And that’s all I’m asking for…for the rest of my life.
While I can't pronounce it, I have found the Hawaiian prayer of forgiveness, Ho'oponopono, absolutely invaluable. Forgiveness is not for anyone other than myself, and this honors me and everyone involved in any situation that needs forgiveness. I added a few lines I'm not sharing here to mold this healing to the specifics of my experience, but the essence is this same:
Thank you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Dr. Dog has is so right - sometimes "we're slow to acknowledge the knots in our laces. Heart it races..." Only took me 20 years, but I got there - Ha!
My Dark Night of the Soul Journey here at That's All I'm Asking For...was necessary to reach where I am today. While I am still working through the residue of a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me, I am so grateful to be the most authentic version of myself I have ever known. If you're curious, please join me as I continue this adventure of me. It has been a journey worth taking, for sure!
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